Episode 54: The Top 5 Things that cause relationship stress with Robyn D’Angelo

Dr. Mike: Everybody welcome back to the Waddup Doc University podcast! This is Dr. Mike Okouchi coming to you live from my home recording studio; it's not in the car this time.

I hope you guys are getting value from these episodes. Looking back, there was a really great episode, if you haven't checked it out, it's episode 52 with Dr. Terry Wahls over coming MS naturally [inaudible 01:00]. Such a great response from a lot of you and it was a very highly requested episode. So if you haven't listened to that go back to episode 52.

If this is your first time listening to the Waddup Doc University podcast, I welcome you and I just want to let you know that our whole goal on this show is to give you the information that I find and I use every single day in clinical practice so that I can give you the information that you can take and apply and you can kind of cut through all the rest of the noise that's on the inter webs and the internet today.

If you're like me and you had an ache or pain or some type of thing going on in your body and you open up Doctor Google and you start googling your symptoms and you stumble upon WebMD, all of a sudden a minor headache turns into something disastrous like a brain tumor. So what we want to do is kind of give you the information if you guys go through the different episodes in the podcast, you guys will find a lot of information that you guys can use and utilize to your advantage. Some of the things we've gone over in the past, couple episodes really get you around the mindset. We talked about what's going on in health care or they're trying to change the Obama Care into Trump Care and all this kind of stuff and I really talked about, is it really about that? Is it really about those health insurances and what was that relate to you health? [Inaudible 02:45-46] on episode 51. We had a great response from episode 50 which was all about your fasting and the uses of intermittent fasting and black fasting, so go check that on our episode 50.
This past episode, episode 53, I talked about the basis behind miraculous healings and other actual things called miraculous healings and you'd be surprised that there's actually Science behind these things that we call miraculous healings. Go check out episode 53.

Now in today's episode, we're taking a little bit of a turn and we are going to talk about relationships stress. And I brought on a special guest to talk to us about relationships stress. She's going to talk about the five top things that cause relationships stress. Whenever I'm with patients, one of the things that we go over is the emotional aspect to your body and how that affects. My mentors always told me that within the emotional realms; there are basically two things, there are finance and romance. And if we have an imbalance in one or the other or both, it affects your overall health and well-being. One of the top stressors that people go through in life is relationship stress. There is this stress test that you can take and the number one stressor is the death of a loved one. The number two is often stated as being getting married and then the number three top stressor would be getting divorced. So you can see the top three stressors that we encounter happen to deal with are relationships.

So I wanted bring Robyn D'Angelo on and talk about these stressors and what we can do about it. She's an expert in family well-being and she coaches people through their relationships and helps to enhance and get the relationships so that it doesn't become a burden that you can have a blissful relationships. What I want you guys to do; she made a special offer for us. She prepared something specifically for our listeners. So I want you guys to listen until the end and then I'm going to give you guys the link so that you guys can go and get the special what's called as the conflict-repair kit. Stay until the end, I'll give you guys the link to that.

So a little bit about Robyn. She calls herself a rogue psychotherapist. She's a rogue psychotherapist and relationship coach. She's a founder of the Happy Couple Expert Private Practice in Orange County, California. She's right down the road for me. She actually walked into my clinic one day and I saw that she had it; you know her direction, the energy, the vibrance and the enthusiasm for what she's doing and so we kind of keep in touch over the years. Her practice is doing really well; she had been featured on things like msn.com, Huffington post, sexcentral.com, coaching through chaos podcast, the couple’s expert podcast. Basically this is what she does guys; she helps frustrated and disconnected couples and singles learn to love and be loved better. She walks them through how to connect deeply while creating a space for fun. She helps couples master the messiness of couplehood together and create their very own epic relationships that last. We all love that guy, right? I think about relationships, sometimes relationships get stagnant and that's why you the wandering eyes, right? Let's not do that guys. Let's learn from Robyn and what she recommends to us, to learn to love and be loved. She's a true #lovegeek and when she's not tossing loving, kindness around like confetti, she's helping anxious people learn to make anxiety their super power. So here you go guys, take a listen to this episode, stay until the end I'll give you the link and then you can get your special conflict-repair kit.

Hey guys we got another great guest today. This is going to kind of take you into the route where we've been talking about one of the things that I say causes a lot of joy and happiness and can cause a lot of stress in your life, this is your relationship. And today we have an expert for relationships; we have Robyn D Angelo on the podcast today. She's going to talk to you guys about your relationships and how you can make it more meaningful and also decrease the stress. Welcome to the show Robyn!

Robyn: Thank you so much Mike! I'm so excited to be here.



Dr. Mike: Yes. Let's jump right into it. Let's talk a little bit about your practice and then we'll get into the meat of the contents. Tell me a little bit about what you do and give our listeners an open door into what is it that you do to help people.



Robyn: Sure. I'm a licensed psychotherapist, marriage and family therapist to be exact. I'm also a relationship coach so what I do is I help really just frustrated and disconnected couples, learn how to create just the most ethic epic relationships that last. So I'm teaching couples really truly have to love and be loved. Oftentimes couples are coming in, like we're talking about today with so many stressors going on in our lives that I help them just way down and just give them the space to really talk through what's going on and what it is that's getting in the way of what they want and how to get that relationship that they want.



Dr. Mike: So what in your opinion and what have you seen, how many couples do you think are stressed out in their relationships?
Robyn: I mean, what couple isn't stressed out? Let's be honest, right?



Dr. Mike: No.



Robyn: Anyone who is in a relationship with someone else other than themselves, there's going to be a level of stress. You're attempting to create a life with someone whose brain operates completely different than yours who has a completely different history of their life and growing up and what the world means so that's going to cause a certain level of stress for any couple.

Dr. Mike: Yeah, I can attest to that. You know when my wife and I first got married. We've known each other by the way since we were 10 years old and we grew up together. You think you know somebody and then you get married and then all of a sudden everything starts to change. Our first year of marriage was very, very stressful. Luckily we made it through it and we solved our issues and happily ever after. But I know a lot of couples, they linger on with that, they carry on in that stressful mode and it really affects their family relationships, the children if there are any children and then it goes on to affect their health. What are some of the top five things that cause relationship stress? What do we need to do about that?

Robyn: Yeah, oh gosh such a great question. I do just want to start preface with you know most couples wait on average about seven years to get help with their relationship if there are some major stressors and they're open to seeing an expert. Sometimes that's too long. I mean seven years; can you imagine just having the stressors of seven years?



Dr. Mike: Then why is that? Do you think that they just don't recognize it?



Robyn: Oh no, they recognize it but we have this wonderful part of our brains called our egos.



Dr. Mike: Oh yeah.



Robyn: We think we can do it. We think we can get through it. We think we don't need help. A lot of people honestly don't believe in things like therapy or coaching and they just think we've got to be able to get through this. And people sometimes see it as a weakness; they saw a stigma around this.



Dr. Mike: Yeah.

Robyn: So fortunately people are waiting just a little bit too long to get started but to answer your question I want to dive right and I know your listeners are probably jumping at the bed. I'm going to start with number five and go up to the most stressful. I think number five would probably be like our demanding schedules, right?



Dr. Mike: Okay.



Robyn: We're working more and more and more. More often there are two people in the household now but are working full time jobs. There are so many entrepreneurs now as you know...



Dr. Mike: Yeah.



Robyn: So often times there are couples where it's one or even both partners are entrepreneurs and as we know owning a business you're busy, so demanding schedules cause so much stress in our relationships especially you adding kids.



Dr. Mike: So what do we do about that with the demanding schedules?

Robyn: It might sound totally like well oh duh Robyn but I always recommend let's get down with the basics. If you guys are having demanding schedules and you are pretty text savvy sync of calendars on your phone. I cannot tell you how life saving this can be when you can just pull up your calendar and know that maybe is in a meeting from a certain time to a certain time. So really being able to see what each other’s schedules are, being able to invite each other to events via your calendar. You're not maybe able to reach out and connect with them via text or cell phone; you can at least put something on the calendar. And if you're not tech savvy get old school, pull out the wall calendar or the white board and just keep each other abreast of what is going on in your lives.



Dr. Mike: So what if you know, you're in a therapy session and you give us advice and then somebody says, "Whoa I just look at my husband's calendar and there is just no space. I'm not even able to fit myself into his calendar." What do you say to that?



Robyn: That's when I say this is why we have times to connect every week. This is when we sit down. This is kind of part of my next stressors but I will just kind of dive in right into it is like having that moment to connect with your partner at a minimum once a week to say, "What do we get going on coming up in this next week?" Right?

Dr. Mike: Yes.

Robyn: If we look at our calendars no pressure, no stress. Why don't we just like explore together, let's take a look together.



Dr. Mike: Great, great, great. If a person comes in and they're just like, well I'm sure you see this a lot, they're just kind of well I don't want to make any changes like you know this is my schedule. I hear this from a lot especially males in their relationships, "Look I have to go out, I have to make the money. I have to do this blah, blah, blah. I'm the hunter." What do you say to that?



Robyn: That's when the therapist in me jumps in.



Dr. Mike: Yes, yes.

Robyn: And okay let's take a look at what it means to you to be the hunter. Let's look at what it would mean for the hunter to adjust his schedule. It's more of psychological level like, what does this actually mean to you? Does it mean that you're less of a provider? I share with my patients and my clients that men operate from this place called the three Ps. Everything on a primal level that a man is either doing, saying, thinking about is [inaudible 15:24] three things; protection, providing and pro-creation. Can I put provide and pro-create for my tribe? It goes back to tribal times; my tribe, my community, my partner. So if anything threatens one of those three Ps it's going to cause disruption. That's why I tried to share with everyone like what's on in our brains and then say what does that mean to you?

Dr. Mike: So do you think that there has to be  a compromise and understanding on each partners?



Robyn: Understanding is the key word. You just nailed it. I really personally hate the word compromise. I like to call it negotiated agreement because the word compromise sometimes triggers people make them just like, "All I'm doing is giving, giving, giving. I'm giving up. I'm giving in." So yes I think negotiated agreement but again just a conversation, what does it mean to move things around? What would that mean to you?



Dr. Mike: Perfect. Alright, what's the next stress?

Robyn: The next one is...I am thinking about this and it's really the uneven distribution of home or family contribution. Couples sometimes feeling like, "This is unfair, I feel like I'm doing all the work or I feel like you're not contributing." What I see to that is if there are kids involved create a chore chart. Get them involved, get them contributing. Even if there are no kids, this goes back to what I was saying earlier about have a weekly discussion. What are our upcoming events? What do we have on the calendar? What are our activities and how can we start to play around those so that we feel that there's a little bit more even contribution. There are going to be times Mike when one person just has to give more than the other and those are usually pretty temporary depending on the situation.

So, again going back to your comment of understanding. This is where I say we have to have those conversations. We have to talk about, what does that mean to you? What it feels like if your partner's not giving as much as you need them to do, just being able to have that open mind of communication.

Dr. Mike: Yes, I have seen that a lot, is that lack of communication, right? Or sometimes people they think that they're communicating but nothing is being really said.



Robyn: What's funny about that, I always say we have a lot of couples who come in; their number one reason usually for calling is [inaudible 18:07-08] communicate. And I tell you now, we all communicate all the time. Even when you're not saying anything you're communicating a pretty big message. So what [inaudible 18:19] to that is we just need to learn how to communicate more productively and effectively.



Dr. Mike: Perfect!



Robyn: Which kind of leads me to the next one. What if I can go ahead and jump in, is that okay?



Dr. Mike: Yeah.



Robyn: Finances. Financial decision making. That's a major stressor, right?



Dr. Mike: Yeah, yeah.

Robyn: I'm sure you know. I'm sure you see this. I'm sure you've experienced it. I myself experienced it with my husband I mean we're human. Here's what I say to that, there's this really cool thing called a money personality, we all have them. There are three money personality quizzes online. You really can just Google money personality quiz. I'm of the believe that the better we understand ourselves and our partners, the better everything is. So take a free money quiz, money personality quiz and just see what's your personality. Are you more of a saver? Are you okay with spending on Starbucks every single day [inaudible 19:19-20], right? So number one get to know what your money personality is and then sit down, part of that weekly discussion. I always recommend, can you [inaudible 19:30] about five to ten minutes and say let's take a look at our financial goals, one year, three years, five years and beyond. Like let's just dream, no pressure, let's just talk about together, where do you see us in about a year? What would you like to see in our family, in our relationship? Would you like to see more vacations? Obviously, right?



Dr. Mike: Yeah, yeah.



Robyn: So just again having those conversations and creating space for that so that the stress isn't just building up because you're not talking.

Dr. Mike: So what about the...You see this in the news and in the discussions about men's egos getting hurt if the wives or partners are making more money than they are. What do you say in that case?



Robyn: Well and again it comes down to having a conversation about what that means to them, right?



Dr. Mike: Yeah.



Robyn: And you know, we have these money stories. We have this money mindset and so my curiosity is usually goes to what was the money culture in your family growing up? My Dad was the bread winner or you know what my Mom worked all the time. So again just kind of finding out what shaped you partner growing up because we tend to bring into our adult relationships what was in our family of origin until we learn either something else works better in our situation. Or you know this is very similar to how I grow up. So getting curious to understand your partner and getting curious to understand what's going on for them.

Dr. Mike: I find this a lot as well with people saying, "Well this is how we did it in our family." Or let's say there was some type of baggage that was brought in from their family like, "Oh well you know, I saw my Mom do this and it makes me feel like oh you're going to do the exact same thing or my Dad did this, he cheated on my Mom or something like that and I see the same signs and symptoms, maybe you're doing the same thing." What do we do with that?



Robyn: Well, what we do again is we give space for that. We give space for the conversation number one and then we start talking about okay, what is it that you need in order to feel safe in your relationship? What is it that you need in order to believe ad trust that your partner has the best interest in mind for the relationship, for you and so again it's about slowing the way down. There are not quick fixes to this. It's like you're talking about [inaudible 22:14-15] but it doesn't have to go undiscussed and this don't have to excruciating conversations. I have a way of talking with my clients that they're like, "Wow that wasn't painful as we thought it would be."



Dr. Mike: Sure, sure. Alright, so what's the next one?



Robyn: Sure the next one, number four. Sex like let's get real. Sex, connection, quality time whatever that is in feeling just physically connected to our partners and emotionally connected to our partners. Again this kind of ties in to our demanding schedules that this might sound a little woo woo but hang in there with me, we as male and female we all have masculine and feminine energy. And so you know when we are in our masculine energy, we are doers, right? We are getting [inaudible 23:08], we're running businesses; however, oftentimes we all see in relationships is if there's a woman in a position of authority or power either career wise or even just as a mom because you have to be in charge, you're in your masculine and so when you are going to connect with your husband who naturally is in his masculine there's a mismatch there. [Inaudible 23:36] as I like to work with clients and show them like what does it take for us women to really drop in into our feminine energy so that our partners can sexually and physically connect with us in a way that feels really easy instead of having to go up against a similar type of energy? It's just about taking a look at what would it take wife, girlfriend, fiancé for you to slow away down and get into your feminine energy. And you know sometimes maybe my husband is more on his feminine energy for whatever reason for whatever role he is in which is more of a creative role, which is more artistic. It's slower in movement. So what is our husband needs to do to maybe step up into his masculine energy, right? So again it's about having these conversations and taking a look at how does your relationship function and what would you like to be different?

Dr. Mike: Now how would you say for people that they have this misconception about sexuality? Where would you go with that? It's just a general thing about sexuality like you know I don't feel good about it what would you say to that?

Robyn: What I would say is, "Let's get you talking more with someone who is not your partner quite yet." [Inaudible 25:09] another professional and let's find out this goes back to usually like our family of origin like what was the story you [inaudible 25:16] about sex growing up? Was it a bad thing? Was it something everyone did? So let's just find out what is the story you started with and how does that evolved into your adult relationships? And if you would like that to change or it's not working in your relationship, what can we do? I love just having this open conversation, having exploratory conversations where there is no right, no wrong, no shame at all because sex is such a taboo topic in our culture [inaudible 25:49] wrong so just creating a space to explore together.

Dr. Mike: Yeah. Now kind of going back to the whole schedule aspect, have you found that... you know because face it we live in a very, very busy world, we lead busy lives and I've heard people say, "Well maybe you should schedule in time for physical intimacy." Have you found that to be effective?



Robyn: I have, I really have. Something that I talk to my client about all the time is create a day. If you're both unsatisfied with either the quality or the frequency of your sex life and your full connection start with scheduling one day, start with scheduling and taking a look at [inaudible 26:41] schedules, can we do a Sunday morning, cannot be like our sacred Sunday or [inaudible 26:45] Sunday? Can we figure out Thursday nights after the kids are in bed? Like that's our tantalizing Thursday or something, make it fun and try not to put too much pressure on it. And I [inaudible 27:01] say start out with baby steps, pick one day and say, "How can we make space for this?" Because your physical connection with your partner is incredibly, incredibly important.



Dr. Mike:  Oh yeah you know it's balancing the hormones and regulation and the whole sympathetic, para-sympathetic drive guys. It's a crucial part. It has to be done correctly. There's a lot of people who stressed out over having sex and like really? Oh my gosh, it shouldn't be the case. Alright what's the last one?

Robyn: The number one, the number one thing that causes stress in relationships, it's not feeling heard or understood or feeling just [inaudible 27:50] insignificant. This is what the partners come in and they're like we are so disconnected; I don't even like this person right now but we love each other and they're just feeling totally disconnected. So what I say to that is get back to the basics, get to know your partner again. There is something called the five love languages, I love this thing. We all have a type of love language. I'm going to share quickly kind of what that means. It's the way we feel loved and cared about. So you know oftentimes... let's see if I can remember the five. So it's quality time, gift giving, acts of service, words of affirmation and physical touch. That's all five. And all that your listeners kind of [inaudible 28:39] and you can literally Google again five love languages quiz and you find out what your love languages. Mike, oftentimes what I hear and I've totally been guilty of this is what we do is we show our partner's love and our language.



Dr. Mike: Yes. I do that for my wife. I'm like, "Why doesn't this make you happy?"



Robyn: Why [inaudible 29:05-08] what I would love?



Dr. Mike: Yeah.



Robyn: So not only finding out what you're love language is, is then finding out what you partner's love language is. And there's one other thing I recommend, sit down with your partner look through this and have them give you specific examples. Because if I said, if you told me, "Hey Robyn you know my love language is acts of service, I might think oh cool like I'll go take your car and get it totally detailed for you." And you're like, "That's totally not what I meant."



Dr. Mike: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Robyn: So again, this goes back to your comments and you have said it a couple of times and I love it, understanding. Just really, really creating this culture of understanding your partner.



Dr. Mike: Yeah, yeah. Such an awesome advice Robyn, such an awesome advice. Where can people find you online and how can they get in touch with you?



Robyn: Sure. My website is thehappycoupleexpert.com So I can be found there. I'm on all social media and on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter. I'm always just kind of giving these tips like these because we just need a little bit of help in our relationships. Some of us need a lot more but I like to just give these tidbits of you know this is what could be helping in your relationship. [Inaudible 30:29-30] I call them like relationship rehab. Our Youtube channel that I [inaudible 30:35] one or two minute videos and I'm giving just tips, tools and strategies how to create your most epic relationship.

Dr. Mike: That's awesome. There you go guys. I truly believe and this is what I console patients who are coming into my office. We always look at stress because stress is one of the underlying factors for almost every single disease. And the top three stressors that I always see is the death of a loved one, getting married and getting divorced. And I cannot tell you how many times where I've seen couples who are in a stressful relationship that if you look at it from the outside it's pretty obvious. It's one of these five things that Robyn was talking about. It's one of those things that need to be addressed and oftentimes it comes back down to ego that one or both of the partners do not want to get outside help. You health and the health of your family is imperative. We see society today and the family unit is crumbling right before our eyes and people are looking at their relationships as just being another thing rather than valuing it.

So I highly encourage guys to listen to this and then take action upon it  and then this is another thing I highly recommend, do not go about trying to navigate this road on your own. Do not go about that. If you need that help, you need to get the help. Give Robyn a call. It's like what I've explained; when I first moved to LA from Hawaii I tried to navigate the roads in LA and that's next to impossible if you ever want to get somewhere meaningful, so you need somebody along the journey. She gave us all the information; it's pretty great. Any last words you want to leave us with Robyn?

Robyn: You know I just want to remind everyone of this one quote by Dr. John Gottman. He is just kind of someone I just really look up to and it is this... Every positive thing that you do in your relationship is foreplay.

 Dr. Mike: I like that.

Robyn: Yeah, keep doing those little things often and just remember a peck love is possible, it's just about understanding your partner. So thank you!

Dr. Mike: There it is understanding partner, flirt all the time. Such a great information. I told you guys this was something that you'd want to listen to and apply because stress in relationships can just [inaudible 33:18] so much havoc upon your health. I can't stress that more, no pun intended, right? So like I promised she offered us a conflict-repair kit, so what I want you guys to do is go to this website bit.ly/conflictrepairkit and you guys can download the conflict-repair kit. Go through those things. Here's what she says about this. She says, this is the resource that provides people with phrases that can help navigate tough conversations in new ways and help defuse conflict. Holy mole you guys should just download it just for that, right? I mean, I don't know any relationship that doesn't have conflict and this doesn't necessarily mean relationship has to be romantic relationships I mean most relationships that I know even friendships have conflicts. So, how to defuse conflict?  The goal is never to completely do away with conflict as research has proven that the healthiest of couples argue but this complimentary resource will aid in enhancing a couples understanding of one another.  Wow! Did you guys hear that? Understanding of one another and that's one of the biggest issues in relationship conflict is the disconnect in communication, right? What we have here is the failure to communicate and that happens in relationships all the time guys.  So if we can better understand how to relate to another person and how to defuse conflicts before they even happen or while they're happening learn what to do in the mix of it your health, your partner's health will all be better for this.

So go ahead and go and download that again the website is http:///bit.ly/conflictrepairkit. Alright guys, thank you guys for sticking around and listening to this episode. Again you guys can go and get the show notes for this episode at www.whaddupDocuniversity.com/episode54 Again this was with Robyn D. Angelo going over the top five things that cause relationship stress. If you guys love this episode and if you guys love what we're doing in the podcast, we would appreciate if you guys leave us a five star review on iTunes. It helps get the word out; helps expose our podcast to more people that can enjoy it just like what you are enjoying it. And if you enjoyed even more, we'd appreciate if you guys share this on social media and make sure you tag us WhaddupDoc university,  tag me  Dr. Mike Okouchi. Guys you can find me on Instagram my name is @Drmikeokouchi, I'm on Instagram and Facebook, tag me. If you guys have any questions you guys can send us an email at info@whaddupdocuniversity.com. I'll be taking questions and what I'll do is in the next couple episodes we'll do a QA episode. If you want to please join our Facebook group at www.whaddupdocuniversity.com/fbgroup Alright guys, I hope you guys took some notes on this. Go back and listen to this podcast and its entirely because there was such great information filled in this one.

Now you guys want to stay tune to next week because next week we have a power hose guest. I was surprised when her staff reached out to us saying that she wanted to be on our podcast and share her message of the miracle mindset and nest week's podcast episode 55 is going to be with none other than Ms. J.J. Virgin talking about the miracle mindset. This is something that you guys don't want to miss because the things that she go over in this episode will help you a lot especially if you're going through a tough time. So stay tuned, subscribe to the podcast on iTunes or Stitcher www.whaddupDocuniversity.com/itunes if you're on an iphone or if you're on an android www.whaddupDocuniversity.com/stitcher All of these stuff will be in the show notes so go ahead and go to www.whaddupDocuniversity.com/episode54 for all the show notes. Again, I thank you guys for spending this time with me and with Robyn on this podcast episode. Until the next time on our next episode which is next week, every single Wednesday call us our Wellness Wednesdays, every single Wednesday, a new episode is coming out to you guys. And if you guys subscribe, it gets delivered right to your mobile device as soon as the next episode comes out which is typically 5AM EST until the next time, you'll be hearing me again in your headphones or on your speakers in your car. Be well and Aloha!